THE PARENTING MINDSET

Put forward in, Parenting Guide, is a simple mind-set (pun recognized) that new parents will come to embrace.  Once in the parent-thinking mind-set groove, many decisions and life choices involving children become obvious, or just cease to matter.  The parenting mind-set is just like the marriage mind-set, in that a couple (individuals) are joined and become another entity (partners).  As far as parenting goes, with the addition of children, the partner entity morphs, and becomes a family.   This does not mean parents or children lose their individual identities to the family, it’s more like another person joins them. There is me, there is you, and with baby, now there is us.  As more children are added to the family, it jokingly becomes me and you, and them.  

Make no mistake, the us part is real, indivisible and forever.  A critical part of the marriage and family partnering mind-set is that it is permanent. It cannot be undone, or taken apart any more than, a person may take apart their body, remove their head, or divorce their selves from their  feet.  After reading the prior sentence, if you are thinking, yes you can divorce your spouse and ditch your kids, then you are either being argumentative, don’t have kids, or you are not in the parent mind-set, at least not yet.  You will get there.

      The wisdom espoused in Parenting Guide pages is not new or earth shaking; it is common sense.  Common sense thinking plays a massive role in great parenting.  

     However, just because a person has a good share of common sense, does not mean they are thinking all the time about being a parent. 

       Many parents, or actually lots of busy people, are running on autopilot.  They go about their daily lives rushing from place to place, and then repeat month after month and the years fly by. Being on autopilot, suggests these people don’t think, on the contrary, they choose, not to think, except perhaps narrowly focused thinking, and then take the easy road in their warp speed lives.    

We can’t do anything about life in general, or the breakneck pace of society, but we can put a little personal spin on our part of the big picture.  We can choose to have a gloomy outlook or a sunny disposition each day.  We can smile or frown, and we can choose to enjoy, and excel at parenthood.  With a parenting mind-set, and employing practical common sense, we can set the wheels in motion so our children, ✔enjoy being our children, grow up, and carry on with their own children.

 ✔ A wise man once said, and this quote is attributed to several old dead people. “Everything in moderation, including moderation.”  These words may be applied to rich foods among other things, and when thinking parenting, moderation is  good.    All people are unique, all families and situations are different.  When we talk of parenting, there are many common one size fits all answers, but there are just as many children that the answers do not address.  The parents’ job is to take it all in, and be the best parent they can be.  

Parenting Guide is a convenient, timely reminder of  solid principles.

That Makes sense!

PUT PARENTING FIRST

• Conventional wisdom:    Anyone can be a parent.
•   Reality:   Parenting may be in our genes, but good parenting, like bad parenting is learned.

Put parenting first – Of course, but what does that mean, and when does it end?  Ask any committed parent, and they will tell you that, parenting never ends,   but it does change as the kids grow into adults, and it changes you,  some say for the better.  A better title than “Put parenting first”  might be “Be the parent you are. ” or maybe “Be the best parent you can be.”

In the beginning, a teacher meets class on the first day of school and may have all sorts of curriculum and plans and enthusiasm.  However, what the teacher must have on day one, is the same as a new parent must have when the baby is born or comes home that first day.  They both need the tools, materials, equipment, and knowledge to get through the first day, that is all.  Neither teacher or parent needs anything for next year, or even next month or next week. Sometimes new parents are minimally armed with common sense and knowing what not to do, and yet they forge ahead and raise a family, one day, one minute at a time, simply by being a parent.

The purpose of the prior paragraph is to help put new parents, or parents to be, at ease over a truly overwhelming time that they may feel ill prepared to tackle.  Please understand that as your child grows, so do you. As a parent, all you need to do is be ahead of your child, one day at a time.  Of course this is simplified thinking, and there is a strong argument for planning for the future, but that is beyond this discussion.

PARENTING GUIDE PROMISES

● Begin by tossing out the notion that any book has all the answers, and realize you know what's best.
● If you have an open mind, prepare to be, engaged.
● If you are a close minded ideologue, expect to be offended.
● If you are new to parenting, this book will provide you with practical answers and strategies to take on the most challenging and rewarding  job you will ever have.
● If you are a seasoned parent, expect to enjoy reliving the best times of your lives.
● Positive, proven, practical parenting.

Thinking Right Helps

The Parenting mind-set

The mind-set is key to good parenting, and embracing it fully, is all it takes to make a new parent, a great parent.  Simply stated, parents must look at parenting from their children’s viewpoint. ✔ How their children react, learn, grow, and see the world.  Empathetic compassionate thinking should come to mind, but let’s leave that for the book.

   

 A Little About This Book

    The titles on the content page are arranged in order of age, meaning infant and toddler talk is near the front followed by older kids and  adult issues more near the rear.

    Subjects and ages overlap, you will need to adjust accordingly.

    Titles are somewhat descriptive, but not always what you might expect, you will need to explore.

    The author takes cheap shots at adults and kids equally, it’s nothing personal, he doesn't know you, or your kids.

    The author is serious, parenting is serious, the book portrays serious scenarios with a touch of dark humor that only parents truly understand.

I was expecting an apology

Chapter # 1 - Put Parenting First - Everyday - One Day at a Time

Conventional wisdom:    Anyone can be a parent.
Reality:   Parenting may be in our genes, but good parenting, like bad parenting is learned.

Put parenting first – Of course, but what does that mean, and when does it end?  Ask any committed parent, and they will tell you that, parenting never ends,   but it does change as the kids grow into adults, and it changes you,  some say for the better.  A better title than “Put parenting first”  might be “Be the parent you are. ” or maybe “Be the best parent you can be.”

      In the beginning, a teacher meets class on the first day of school and may have all sorts of curriculum and plans and enthusiasm.  However, what the teacher must have on day one, is the same as a new parent must have when the baby is born or comes home that first day. They both need the tools, materials, equipment, and knowledge to get through the first day, that is all.  Neither teacher or parent needs anything for next year, or even next month or next week. Sometimes new parents are minimally armed with common sense and knowing what not to do, and yet they forge ahead and raise a family, one day, one minute at a time, simply by being a parent.

The purpose of the prior paragraph is to help put new parents, or parents to be, at ease over a truly overwhelming time that they may feel ill prepared to tackle.  Please understand that as your child grows, so do you. As a parent, all you need to do is be ahead of your child, one day at a time.  Of course this is simplified thinking, and there is a strong argument for planning for the future, but that is beyond this discussion.

Overheard at school:  “I have never been in school before,”  says the nervous scared first grader. The teacher says,  “I have never been your teacher before.”  The equally nervous parent thinks, I have never been a parent of a first grader before.  The teacher has some chalk, the child had breakfast and is rested, the parent is being supportive.  Pretty easy day one for the teacher, child, and parent.

Years and sometimes, many, many years later, nothing much has really changed for our teacher, child and parent.  One day at a time, they stay one day ahead.  The teacher has many firsts. First test, first classroom fight, first new special needs student.  The child has a first A+, first dance.  The parent is still learning first things as well, the first child moves out, the first grandchild is born.  The now new grandparent holds their grandchild for the first time and thinks;  I have never been a grandparent before.  One day at a time, parenting really is that simple. 
Note: No one said the word, easy!


   One day at a time!

CONTENTS

1. Put Parenting First, Every Day, One Day at a Time …………………….......pg 11
2. Centered Parenting or Centered Family? ……………………………………pg 13
3. Keeping  Parenting  Perspective ………………….………………………....pg 15

Ages 0 - 2 ✔
4. The Importance of Infant Bonding, is Not What You Think………........…..pg 17
5. Redirection is Manipulation ……………………….…………….….………pg 19
6. Talking down to Children, a Daddy Problem……………………….…….….pg 21
7. Children Need Strict Routines, Yes/No?…………………………….……….pg 23
8. The Baby is Asleep Routine……………………………………………...….pg 27


Ages 2 - 6 ✔
8. Distraction & Manipulation for Children and Adults  …….………….......…pg 31
9. Touchy Feely, Hugs, kisses, and Tickling      ….…….………………….…. pg 35
10. Teaching Empathy      ……………………………………………….……. pg 39
11. Manners Matter      …………………………………………………....……pg 41
12. Myths about Children and Health      ….……………………………….…..pg 44
13. Read to Them, Sure, But Why?       ………………………………….…….pg 45
14. Learning the Hard Way      …………………………………….………..….pg 49
15. Tough Love Starts With “NO”     …………………….………………...…..pg 53
16. Lying - Fibbing      ………………………………………………….…..…..pg 56
17. Is Gratefulness    Linked to Healthy Children?   .……………………….....pg 58
18. Praise is Necessary           …………………………………………...….….pg 60
19. Praise words to use everyday      ……………………..…………….…...…pg 57
20. Impulse Control and Your Child       …………………………….…….…..pg 65
21. Instant Gratification and the List of I Wants      ………………….…….….pg 67
22. Tantrums and Bratty Behavior……………………………….…………….pg 69
23.   When Confronted with Brats and Bratty Behavior        .……………...…..pg 75
24. Fixing the Bully …. ………………………………………………...…….. pg 77
25. Making Rules Together Works Wonders   …………………….………...... pg 79
26. Proper Punishment Gets Results, Not Likely!    ..……………….……….…pg 83

Ages 6 - 12 ✔
27. Ten Things Never, Ever, to Say to Your Children   ……………….……….pg 87
28. Fourteen Parenting Bad Habits and Fixes    ..…………………….………...pg 91
29. Setting Limits and Rewards   …………………………………………..…..pg 98
30. The Twenty Year Pay-off      ………………………………………….…..pg 101
31. Dealing with Bullying   ………………………………………………...…pg 103
32. Chores and Allowances   ……………………………………………….....pg 107
33. Character and Role Modeling   ………………………………………....…pg 111
34. Role Models and Sports!   …………………………………………….…...pg 114
35. The Never Ending Argument Spiral  .…………………………….……......pg 117
36. Family Loyalty or Irreparable Damage – Your Choice……………….........pg 121
37. Promoting Playtime   …………………………………………………..…..pg 125
38. Listening Versus Shutting Out   …………………………………….……...pg 129
39. The Helpless Child - Really?    ………………………… ……………..….pg 133
40. The Pull Away Syndrome or “When Adolescence Strikes.”….…................pg 137
41. Discrimination and Prejudice   .……………………………………………pg 141
42. Finished at 12 or 13   ……………………………………………………....pg 143
43. Fighting  Prejudice and Teaching Tolerance   …………………….…….....pg 149
44. Helping Your Child Deal With Rejection   ……………………………..…pg 155

Parent age ? - ? ✔
45. The Hypocritical Parent             ……………………………………….…....pg 159
46. 30  Parenting Myths for Experts to Argue About …….…….…....................pg 161
47. The Stay at Home Parent   ……..……………………………………………pg 163
48.  A Dose of Shame or, “Mommy Guilt,” Exposed    ………….……….....…pg 171
49. The Perfect Family or Child Myth   ……….……………………………......pg 173
50. Yelling, Screaming and Respect (it’s a parent problem)   ………..................pg 175
51. Eating together – Not in our house!   …………………………………......…pg 179
52. Parenting Participation is Required   ………………….………………....….pg 181
53. Who’s the Boss?…………………………………………………………..…pg 183
54. Consistent Parenting Means Following Through  …………….….…...........pg 187
55. Teach Self Help Skills Early  …………………………………….….…......pg 189
56. Teach Optimism  ……………………………………………………..…….pg 191
57. Compassionate Parenting  …………………………………….………....…pg 193
59.    Does Bad Mouthing Teachers Affect Your Child  ………………….........pg 197
60.    Live With What You Create  ………………….…………….………....…pg 201
61. Owning Parenting Mistakes!………………………………..………………pg 202
62. School and Volunteering…………………………………….……………...pg 205
63.    When They Don’t/Wont Listen………………………….…………….…..pg 211
64. The Number One Thing parents wish they would have done is...………......pg 213

Chapter #2 Centered Parenting or Centered Family?

• Conventional wisdom:   You must put your kids first.

•  Reality:   There is no first or second, you are all in it together.

When first asked what is most important, your children or your spouse, parents will quickly answer, then quickly switch answers, then hesitate to answer, but the smart ones will refuse to play the game.  

When a couple becomes a threesome, things change.  What was once a cozy love nest becomes a messy playpen.  The couple takes on their new parenting roles with fervor, they put the baby first, letting nothing stand in the way, including their own relationship. The bay gets the best of everything, including maximum mommy/daddy time.  What could be better for a child?  For starters, how about happy parents and a sibling.  Only children, tend to be so pampered, coddled, and time consuming that the parents relationship may be ignored to the point of damage.  Breakup of the relationship leaving a single parent youngster is not ideal, and for that reason alone, preservation of the two parents as family is top priority.

When parenting is so centered around the child that he becomes the center of the universe, you may think what is wrong with that, after all it’s a baby, and he needs (demands) attention. Nothing at all is wrong with taking care of the baby, provided it is a team family event, and not a one person effort.  When one caregiver obsesses over parenting and ignores or puts their partner on hold, it leads to ill will, arguing, and accusations.  One or both parents falsely believe they are more accountable to their child than to each other.  The child demands their attention leaving little if any time for each other.  All of this is unavoidable, because the child will always get the time required.  However if the child is welcomed as a equal third family member, instead of an all encompassing little king-like ruler, and the parents believe they are all in it together, they will survive, mature, and truly enjoy their new family life.

The parenting mindset is "us" not me, you, and the baby

8 - Distraction and Manipulation for Children and Adults

• Conventional wisdom:   You can bargain your way to better behavior

• Reality:  Yes, and  It works with adults too!

Manipulation is a bad word, or is it?  It depends on whether one appreciates the results.  If a baby is screaming his fool head off, and you can’t concentrate on the funny pages, you will appreciate the parent that gives a rattle to the baby.  The baby was manipulated and everyone in earshot is happy.   All parents, young or seasoned and all caregivers need to employ this useful technique, in fact sometimes, it is the baby that teaches all those around them how the system works.  Here is how. 


   The baby’s lesson starts with crying because that’s all it knows, and then steadily escalates to uncontrolled wailing. The alert parent/caregiver eager to head off an hour (entire day) of screaming gets in the baby's face and says something dumb like, gooby gooby gag me with a spoon.  Of course, the baby is now irritated and ups the ante and the volume.  The adult on the scene, realizing talk is not going to work, frantically searches his memory and surroundings for an answer and spots a half dozen toys that may or may not be what the baby wants.  Picking a pacifier, the parent offers it as a solution only to have it tossed an impossible twenty five feet by flailing arms that are trying to convey “change me you fool.”  Next the clueless (or maybe not) father offers a barely age appropriate transformer toy that the baby goes ga ga over.  Then baby goes silent for a precious second or two, until with an iron grip, it swings the transformer toy wildly about, slamming it between open mouth and floor.  Then with bugged out eyes, forgets about the dirty diaper that started it all. So, in case you missed it, the baby’s attention was redirected or distracted by the toy and temporarily focused on something else.  In this case, peace will be short-lived, and the tirade will soon resume with a vengeance. The lesson is that screaming gets results, and distraction gets results.  With modification, this technique is used throughout life.  Not just with babies but with teens and adults too. Here are some more examples.  Suppose a salesman tells a customer that they look younger every day. Yes, that is manipulation and distraction. The customer is pleased to be complimented, and lets slide that the salesman is pushing a high priced second rate product.  The salesman is using flattery to manipulate the customer.  The customer is not duped, they know they are not getting younger, but they enjoy the words and may reward the salesman by purchasing his product.  Now let’s talk teens.  Suppose a   teenager wants to do something that his parents may not agree with.  The teen will start off with, “you know dad, you are more fair minded than mom… you can see right away, the teen calls his dad fair-minded, and as a bonus sets up parental competition.  Lets jump to a parent that has just been asked by their little one if they may have a thousand dollar game toy, of course we know the ultimate answer is, “no way Charlie,” but instead dad says, “you know, perhaps we should talk about how you might earn the money to buy it someday.”  All these examples are essentially the same, the salesman traded flattery for a chance to show his wares, the screaming baby traded rattles and toys for a short lived silence, and if dad ever wises up, the two of them may trade fresh pants for a longer bit of peace. The teen traded compliments and a challenge for a favorable decision, and lastly, the thousand dollar toy boy, is offered a job in exchange for what he wants.  In the case of the baby, a short lived distraction (the rattle) was offered first, and then soundly rejected in favor of better trades. (smart baby’s rule the roost)

   Manipulation may easily become underhanded and deceptive when carried beyond flattery and deal making, but in parenting, one hopes that parents have their children’s best interests at heart.  Making trades and or offers in compromise with our kids have been with us all along but we fail to see and embrace it fully.  When a child asks for special treatment and dad says “how about you wash the car first,” they are making a deal.  When mom says “not until you do your homework,” she is manipulating her child.  These may seem  minor or trivial type examples, but what we need to take away, is how they differ from how we might currently deal with children.  Using our same scenarios, dad says to the thousand dollar toy boy, “Hell no, do you think I’m made of money?”  Dad holds the screaming (dirty) baby at arms length and says to mommy, “here, you make him quiet.” The teen offers up his obvious fair-minded ploy, only to have dad say, “what? do think I’m stupid.”  

   There is no need to go on and on with more day to day examples, but lets’ point out some more thoughts.

●  When manipulating a situation, be honest, not sneaky or deceitful.

●  Keep smiling and stay friendly for superior results when deal making.

●  Non family will resent being manipulated, learn to back off!

●  If you already excel at manipulation and easily tell lies, you may be a closet psychopath. 

Suddenly a Parent

From the Trenches!

Suddenly a Parent-
I remember that first day , like it was yesterday and not 35 years ago, err, maybe more.  But anyway, I hadn’t paid much attention to kids and especially not wiggly, fragile babies, when suddenly I have one in my arms, god what an overwhelming feeling, I wasn’t scared, I was terrified.

8- The Baby is Asleep Routine

• Conventional wisdom: Good parents have a routine they insist be imposed on everyone remotely near their young children.

• Reality: The parents benefit from routine. The kids could care less and will sleep when tired.

   We touched on sleeping babies in the chapter before, but they deserve more coverage. 

    This  hot topic is argued by parents that tend to look for cause and effect in every facet of life, or stimuli that their precious offspring might possibly react to.  Waking from a nap is not a bad thing, nor does it cause irreparable damage to wake up before the scheduled minute has arrived.  It is also not the end of childhood if kids sleep in. In fact, an argument may be made that children exposed to periodic disruption learn to deal with life’s inevitable unexpected twists and turns better than those children that lead a so called perfectly scheduled mundane existence.  

   We are straying from bedtime routines intentionally to try to promote loosening up a little in general.   Think about how kids are raised in different cultures and think about pioneer times or even further back to caveman times.  In some places today, probably in your neighborhood, babies are strapped on the moms backpack, or belted into a carrier and mom goes about her day.  The baby is tossed about without regard to routine, but it still manages to get the shuteye it desires. When the child is bigger and no longer needs to be carried, it runs along beside the parents learning what is needed for their way of life, curling up for siestas when the urge hits.  These parents have no clue that their baby or toddler needs quiet time or a designated sleep period, they just go about their lives, tend to their babies true needs, and are blissfully ignorant.   Or, are they?

   Enlightened parents or more likely, parents with multiple children have learned to promote routine that works with the family, as well as works for the baby.  This means the babies, the toddlers, the active adolescents, and all the rest, sleep at night, and are awake during the day. Of course, infants and exhausted children need more sleep than adults need, and are free to fall asleep when the need arises.  Parents that promote day and night routine that closely follows their own routine are rewarded with their own quiet time in the evenings after the kids sack out. This doesn’t mean there will be smooth sailing and peaceful nights all the time. Infants still need to be fed, burped and changed, but altering the family routine and tip toeing around the baby is not necessary. Parents that do not grasp this simple concept set themselves up for endless needless work that may last many years.  

    The sign next to the doorbell says, “don’t ring, baby asleep” or the parent says, “I can’t, the baby is asleep.”   When you see these warning signs, you know the parents are already beyond help.  They have bought into, “baby routine comes first parenting”  and any attempt to persuade them otherwise will be met with an icy stare or worse, a speech on the virtues of good parenting strategies. Sadly, or maybe not, if you are still friend’s years later you may remember that, baby comes first episode, and then you can check out their kids to see how well you think their parenting strategy worked.  That is if their marriage has survived, and the child lives with the parent you stayed friends with.   The last sentence is needed to point out that parents that buy into the routine at all cost strategy, are likely to employ other non-flexible thinking, and I’ll leave it at that.

7 - Children Need Strict Routines - yes/no?

• Conventional wisdom: Children need routine.

• Reality:  Routine may be taken to extreme.

At the new parents home, the note beside the doorbell reads, please don’t ring or knock – baby sleeping.  When asked to volunteer, the mother replies, “sorry, but that’s during nap time, I can only help from 3:17 to 4:15 after that it’s feeding time.”  The father sadly turns down the invitation saying,  “I wish I could, but I have to watch the baby sleep.”

When reading the above lines some parents will smugly see themselves, and bask in their incredible parenting dedication.   Other parents, especially the ones with several children, will scoff, saying you can take the baby out of the nap, but you can’t take the nap out of the baby. This is definitely not to say there are no repercussions for missing nap time or making loud crashing noises causing the baby to startle awake and begin screaming.  Some adults wake up swinging when woken from a sound sleep, so it should be understandable that a baby may cry some when startled.   

    A good argument may be made for letting day to day interruptions happen, and allowing life’s little nuances influence your children ( best to leave sleeping adults alone).  The baby that is reinforced that they must have absolute silence to be rested may not do so well later in life when noisy siblings begin crashing and banging about.   Imagine them, when they go away to school and expect quiet in a dorm.  The same child that learned others would bend to their will and throw adorable tantrums or pouting bouts to get their way, might not do so well in  the real world.

   Now picture a different child, a child that grew up on moms’ shoulder, and being dragged everywhere at all times of day or night. This child’s mom receives compliments like, oh, he is so precious, and he sleeps through everything. Or, it must be nice having a baby that’s not fussy.  Or, my little one needed(s) routine… and on and on. This mom knows her child gets all the sleep he needs and never fusses or cries without a reason. Yes it is true, baby’s use different cries for different reasons, it’s how they communicate since they don’t talk much.

The only difference between these two bundles of joy is how mom and dad have acted around them.  One set of parents has bent over backward to protect and shield their child from everything, even changing their schedules to accommodate the little one.  The other parents simply included the newcomer and carried on with everyday living, the way parents always have.

Keeping a routine has lots of benefits, but mostly it benefits the parents.  The parents don’t have to deal with crying if they keep silent, the parents feel good about their parenting if the baby doesn’t cry.  The parents admonish all around them (shhh – baby's asleep) and then require all to cater to their baby’s demands.  This is all self imposed, where the parents actions are reinforced by the child’s behavior. The child cries, the parent demands quiet, the child shuts up. The parent learns to appease the child.  The parent wakes the child, the child screams, the parent brings a snack, the child shuts up. From a very young age of just hours or days the baby learns to cry in order to satisfy needs.  As the child gets a year or two older they have learned from their parent how to scream, cry, pout, demand anything and everything.  Yes it is true the inmates are running the asylum, but who gave them the keys?  The parents did, by scheduling everything around the child, to keep the peace.  The parents have learned to retreat to a scheduled routine of appeasing children. As the years pile up, it is not surprising that these children get labeled as, fussy, spoiled, demanding, and difficult.

There is nothing wrong with routine, the world runs on routine, and so do families. But, parenting is a proactive job, and cowering in fear that the new baby may get fussy is the first baby step towards problems later.

    At the end of the day both sets of parents get the job done, but one baby is known as a cranky, crying, screamer, to be feared and not crossed.  The other baby is cute, adorable, and always happy.  There are exceptions of course but generally a baby, a toddler, and even a much older child need little more than to be fed, kept clean, safe, comfortable, and to be loved.  But, don’t we all?  Uh oh, quitting time, gotta run, grab the baby,  it’s time to go.

6 - Talking Down to Children - a Daddy Problem

• Conventional wisdom:   Giving children our undivided attention is simple.

• Reality:   Towering above them is not helping your case.

Imagine if everyone in your life towered above you.  Imagine everyone telling you what to do and giving you orders.  That’s the life of a newborn, a toddler, and a first grader.  Now imagine yourself a very small child, and your parent actually gets down to your level, even if it means lying on the floor, and communicates with you, eye to eye.  I hope you see the difference.  The first scenario excludes, and does not promote family or social grouping or acceptance.  It’s how an all-powerful giant king rules his minions.  

  The latter scenario promotes inclusion as equals; the child knows he is a family member.  The point is to respect your children as individuals, and to socialize with them from the earliest age.  You can do that by getting down to their level and having a two-way conversation rather than barking orders from the treetops. Mommies for the most part already do this face to face communication (some call it bonding) when they cradle their newborn or hold their infant on their shoulder, or sit at splash level next to a high chair, and that is why it is mostly a daddy problem.  

5 - Redirection is Manipulation - and thats a good thing!

• Conventional wisdom:  Manipulation is for experts and savvy salesman.

•  Reality:  We all use it one way or another.

Manipulation may not be PC, but distraction and redirection techniques work with children, teenagers and some adults.  Associating an event with a story often helps remind  parents of simple distraction techniques, so the following story is for that purpose.  

The scene is a local park, the toddler is tossing a Frisbee and wouldn’t you know it, the Frisbee gets stuck in a tree.  His contorted face forecasts the crying and tantrum about to be unleashed.  The parent that is a master of redirection and self-serving manipulation immediately converts the lost Frisbee episode into a wonderful experience.

  Here is what he does and says.  First, he gets in his kids space, face to face, drawing attention to himself and away from the lost toy, exclaiming excitedly what a great thing he has done by getting the Frisbee stuck in the tree.  Next, he goes on and on explaining the next time they come to the park they will check to see if the Frisbee is still in the tree.  While lavishing praise on his beaming toddler, he also offers a ready alternative. (let’s play ball)  The idea is, turn the lost toy mishap into a good thing to be happy about rather than an upsetting negative.  If the child has a puzzled look, it means it’s working, so keep up the charade and the praise until the child gets a grip.  Remember he was about to unleash a torrent of high volume emotion.  Once the child has moved on and is past the instant fit throwing stage,  calmness returns until the next  big trigger event. 
Use this story to remind you to utilize redirection as a parenting tool, and remember the technique (with sophistication) works with adults and teenagers too.  For example - Ouch, that fender bender you got into with dads car will certainly help you learn about insurance deductibles, what a great thing. (more sophistication and less sarcasm needed, maybe?  If you don’t like the story, just remember , put a positive spin on negative things.

Yippee - the sky is falling - now we can learn about gravity!

Ages 0 -2 Chapter # 4 The Importance of Bonding is not What You Think!

• Conventional wisdom:   Bonding is easy.
•  Reality:   Bonding is a two way deal, and crucial in a child’s life.

It seems like most parents think their kids are good looking, cute and cuddly, even though some are  stump ugly and dumb as a rock.  Someone once said that the reason parents don’t see their kids for what they are is so they won’t kill them.  Killing and or eating offspring is not unheard of in the animal world, but some animals create strong protecting and nurturing bonds.  Momma bears and their cubs for instance.   And yet, once the cub is old enough, momma bear throws them out.  Humans, especially mothers, develop strong protective nurturing attachments with their children.  The same may be said for people and their pets.  They all have one thing in common, and that is, they are close together when young, and the baby is dependent on the parent.  

Mothers nurse babies, fathers cradle infants, pets sit with owners.  Research suggests there are hormonal changes in humans causing  maternal instincts and actions, but one thing is clear, infants that have strong bonding relationships more often go on to become capable better adjusted adults.  Early researchers that followed children of orphanages noticed this not surprising correlation fifty years ago.  Simple logic tells us that feeding, protecting and comforting young that cannot fend for themselves benefits the young. Whether parenting benefits the parent is arguable depending on when you ask the parent.  

Parenting mistakes are common, but horrible consequences are rare.  Abandoning a baby, infant or toddler alone against life, without caring support, and never bonding with anyone is devastating to the child and morally wrong.  It doesn’t take money, education, or even a biological parent to provide support and affection.  It just takes a real person and time.  Some so-called modern career driven parents with busy schedules, and hectic routines rely on daycare and sitters.  Sometimes their children are given to daycare at birth.  This socially acceptable practice may be responsible for spawning ill equipped problem children destined to mature into adults lacking empathy, and unable to have close meaningful relationships.  Imagine if a pet owner locked an animal in a cage and ignored it, they would be guilty of animal abuse. It’s a shame that infants and toddlers aren’t afforded the same protection.  There is almost no argument that the single most important thing new parents can do, (other than protect) is bond with their young kids.  All it takes is hugging, cuddling, and looking into each other eyes from the day they are born, until a few years goes by, or the desire to kill or eat them goes away.   

EAT THEM ?

Chapter #3 Keeping Parenting Perpective

• Conventional wisdom:  Raising children is all in a day’s work.
•  Reality:   A day that never ends!

This a large subject, but we can narrow it down some.  Many if not most families are very busy, and lead high stress lives, in fact it is sadly surprising to hear youngsters parroting their parents busy lives with comments about being over booked, extended, too much on my plate, or always on the go, etc.  That last string of comments may seem normal to hear from a busy mom, not from her second grader.  When a child makes those comments, they are repeating the parent line and suggests the entire family is running at high speed through daily life.  Parenting and life is more than getting the work load finished, and then repeating the pattern day after day. That’s not parenting, and it is probably debatable if that kind of life is even living, existing may be a more apt description.  Parents should enjoy the process of raising a baby all the way, until finished.  If you are not having fun and enjoying parenting, chances are your child is not having fun being your child.  No one can argue that an unhappy child is a healthy child.  Researchers in the headlines periodically report of unhappy childhoods being responsible for substance abuse, depression, anxiety, and serious illness in later life.  One must strive for some happiness during the daily struggles of parenting.  If you don’t, you have lost parenting perspective and risk bad parenting.

  

Parenting comes first, not second, and certainly not after everything else is taken care of.  Why? because everything else is never finished, and kids grow faster than you are prepared for.  When parents work non-stop, pursue careers ceaselessly, or indulge in damaging behavior, they are shortchanging themselves and their kids. It is easy for an overworked highly stressed parent to believe that it is important that they succeed for the good of the family, and therefore they knowingly sacrifice their children while they achieve great things. Sacrifice is a strong term to use, would it sound better to say those parents neglect their children? How about, abuse their children? Another word for those parents sure to get hackles up is, irresponsible.  Yes, those parents that choose work and other choices first, and their kids second, are irresponsible parents.  

Ok, now that some of us are thoroughly in defensive mode, and thinking of their personal situations as being an exception, lets get back to “parenting perspective.” and add the word balance to the mix.  Perfect parenting may be impossible, but balanced parenting is not.  Going to the work mill for the next twenty four hours may be what you have to do, but going for the next twenty four days is absent parenting, or no parenting at all.  If you see yourself not parenting, you need to find a solution for the good of your child.  A child that is raised without someone firmly in the parent role is like a ship without a rudder, we really don’t know where the ship is headed, but it will wander aimlessly and then eventually  run aground.  Let’s hope it doesn’t sink.

From the Trenches!

My parents, would take me to visit my grandparents.

When we said goodbye we all hugged.  

I felt very short, my head being squeezed against

soft squishy tummy's.

I liked it.

At another relatives home I didn’t like it .

I don’t know why.

9 - Touchy Feely, Hugs, kisses, and Tickling

• Conventional wisdom:   It’s ok for people to hug your kids.

•  Reality:  You should protect your kids from  unwanted touching.

This subject has explosive opinions, partly because it ranges from pedophilia grooming,  and gender identity phobias, to sweet old Grandma. Then throw in all the other touchy feely, or don’t touch, you have offended me cultures of the world, and the discussion becomes more divisive.

Thankfully, in this chapter, we are only addressing the issue of other people, whether they are relatives, friends or complete strangers, which touch our children.  It is very simple to understand, once you throw out all the tangent side arguments and zero in on scared innocent kids.   We can reduce the discussion to two types of touching.  The first is where, or when, your child feels uncomfortable or does not want to be touched.  Picture a child cowering behind mom or dad, trying to avoid some huge adults smothering groping hug and slobbery wet kisses.  Ick.  The second touch is where, or when, the other person  crosses the line of inappropriateness.   Now picture a helpless child on the receiving end of some deviant behavior.  

You, just like your child have the absolute right to privacy and this includes not being touched if you don’t want it.  Adults and larger more mature children when faced with unwanted touching simply squirm away, say no, or get physical if required.  Little kids do not have that luxury, they have been taught to mind adults and except authority.  Sadly, many times their parents promote or allow uncomfortable situations, thinking they are being respectful or teaching their children some sort of life lesson, and when diverse multi generational cultures are considered, they may be absolutely in the right.  But, forcing children to submit to what they don’t understand only teaches them that they have no control and are helpless, not exactly the best lesson for fostering well rounded secure kids.

So what about those uncomfortable good bye hugs and kisses grandparents famously shower on their grand kids. Simple,  if your child resists , turns away, says no, or asks to be helped you must not fail them. You are their protector and for many years their only defense.  Some parents force their children to hug and except unwanted kisses, but what they are being taught, is that they are not in charge of their bodies, that their parents do not protect them from unwanted advances, that they have no say so about what adults may do to them.  The obvious dilemma is that grandma or the stranger may be acting perfectly normal and the child is freaking out for no reason.  What is likely to happen is a family rift or a well-meaning friend will be insulted when you step in to protect your child.  If it were that simple, then so be it, your child always comes first, and that’s that.  With a little tact, a savvy parent should be able to take charge and support their child as well as not insult their in-laws and best friends.

In a nutshell,  parents should be aware of how their children perceive these intrusions on privacy and step in orally or even physically place themselves in supportive positions.  As children grow they will eventually fend for themselves if taught and allowed to own their bodies as personal  and private space, but the youngest need protection from touchy feely creeps, even if she looks like grandma.  A child should never feel alone and abandoned while their parents stand nearby and do nothing.  Other cultures - feel free to take exception.

Hands Off - Creep

10 - Teaching Empathy

Conventional wisdom:   Some people are born bad, some nice.
 ✔ Reality:  Psychos are among us, pray your kids are not included.

Empathy, simply put, is the ability to put one’s self in someone else's situation or shoes as they say, and feel or imagine to feel what that person is experiencing.  Of course, this is impossible.  You cannot become blind, injured, sickly, ugly, or change your race, so you cannot totally experience what they experience.  What you can do, is think about it, talk with your kids,  and not dismiss others as no concern of yours.  Have you ever heard someone say, “Why should I care?”  They are not really asking you to explain why they should care, they are making a simple statement of fact, that they don’t care.  That is lack of empathy.

You should want your kids to be empathetic; it is one of our more human traits.   ✔History’s worst psychopaths had no empathy.  On that sobering thought, research suggests that empathy comes with our kids as part of the package at birth, but we can do lots to enhance it, including role modeling.  

    Below is a list of actions to watch for, forbid, discuss, reinforce, point out as wrong or right, learn from, etc. etc.  As you discuss these topics with your children, ask them questions such as, “what would you do?” and “why?”


    Possible  empathy teaching  moments
“Ask kids, what would you do?” and “why?”

1. Name calling in all its many faces.
2. Teasing that becomes mean and hurtful.
3. Animal cruelty
4. Bullying
5. Exclusivity (excluding some, including others in games, or
activities
6. Volunteering and charity giving
7. Offering a helping hand, opening doors, being helpful
8. Being respectful of all things, including people
9. Showing consideration
10. Saying nice things or not at all
11. Learning to listen 
12. Judgmental thinking
13. Interest in others
14. Compassion
15. Listening 
16. Discrimination
17. Prejudice
18. Curiosity
19. Always about me
20. Selfishness

11 - Manners Matter

Conventional wisdom:  Children learn  manners by emulating people around them.
✔ Reality:  You don’t want your children behaving like all the people around them. 

The most basic of good manners are simply, saying please and thank you.  We all want our children to display good manners, but they are not born with built in, socially acceptable behavior.  They look to everyone around them for hints how to act.  Parents provide the number one good examples with siblings, peers and TV filling in the bad example voids.  

   Children usually want to act in a way that showers them with attention, and that is the problem.  At certain ages, they do not really see much difference between bad attention and good attention, for them any attention is desirable.  As parents, we need to set the correct example, and practice what we preach, but that’s not enough.  Parents must downplay their reactions to unacceptable behaviors, (manners) and show enthusiastic attention for desirable behaviors (manners).  Youngish children will quickly learn the program, and good manners.  Unfortunately, the desire for attention is strong, and children are smart, so they will save powerful attention getting misbehaviors for later.  For example, using smutty toilet talk gets a quick negative reaction, and many times the attention is exactly what is wanted, so parents should be quick to enforce a minor disciplinary action.  If the smutty behavior continues, the punishment should escalate until the pain is worse than the attention is positive.    ✔ In no way should the last sentence be construed as suggesting you beat  your kids, just be sure to address the fact that you don’t approve of  their behavior.

     Most children want to act correctly, and good manners are included, but not always.  If you suspect a spate of bad manners are to attract attention, the cure is easy for toddlers, as said, give them more attention for good manners and the silent treatment for bad manners.  When they get a little older, simply remind them how you expect them to act.  Older yet, needs a stronger message.   By all means, tell them what they are doing that is wrong, (stop the @@## swearing) and If they don’t get on board with good manners immediately, some sort of discipline is in order.  Remember, their actions are to get attention, so the discipline must deny them attention (exclusion works wonders).  They will come around right away, but be forewarned, they have discovered a button of yours to push to get your attention, a button that may get pushed when you least want it pushed.

     For manners, type slip ups, an occasional reminder meant to teach and not embarrass should be all that’s needed most of the time.  Don’t forget not to laugh when they burp, or they will be burping the alphabet for your friends.  The same goes for other gases. 

     Some life experiences are so rare that your children may not have had you to role model.  They may never have seen a Polio victim, someone suffering from MS, or disfiguring injuries, so the urge to stare is quite strong.  When you become aware that a staring opportunity is about to present itself, you can head it off by explaining in a matter of fact way what they are seeing, or about to see.  Mention that it is not polite to stare, and that the person does not want to be stared at.  Most importantly, how you react is your child’s cue how they should act.  When children stare, it is because they are curious, so they should not be punished for staring.

     Older kids develop sarcasm, eye rolling, and smart ass talk.  It’s like a cold virus, picked up at school or peers, and brought home on dirty hands, except washing won’t get rid of it, and bar soap in the mouth is now considered abuse.  Never the less, when it infects your child, the best course, is to let it run its course, then your child may have immunity.   If it gets out of hand, you need to step in early and enact consequences.  For a toddler it may mean removing him from the room, for a teen perhaps losing the car will get the message across that you do not tolerate disrespect, directed towards you, or others.   

      Lastly, look in the mirror, do you roll your eyes? Do you make snide sarcastic remarks?  ✔ You know it is not fair to punish them for behavior you apparently approve in yourself.