Conventional wisdom: Forcing a person to become responsible once defined tough love.
✔ Reality: People hide behind tough love to excuse abusive and poor parenting.
Tough love does not mean the parent has some sort of pre-approved license to be mean or treat their offspring poorly. Tough love is tough on the parent not the child. It is hard for parents to deny their children anything, but especially hard to do so after teaching and modeling indulgent and selfish habits. When tough love comes into play, it may mean the parent has already screwed up and corrective actions are required. The hard part is that the parent needs to, first see their own mistakes, and then must face an uphill battle of undoing what may be a lifetime of bad examples, bad decisions, and poor role modeling. ✔ It takes a well-adjusted, committed parent to see fault in themselves, take corrective action and then set the stage for undoing damage. It is much easier to blame others or circumstances out of their control, and then smugly go about ones business secure in the wisdom that they are close to perfect, and the rest of us are imperfect, but it is never too late to get it right when parenting.
Probably the number one best tough love thing a parent can do is ✔learn to say no, but the smart parent avoids the word no and still finds a way to impose good decisions. A simple example is offering a glass of water when asked for a soda pop instead of a fast, no, it will rot your teeth. Another example of not saying no would be to offer a delayed decision, how about watching a cartoon after you finish your homework, or maybe that toy will be a birthday present. Keep in mind, we are not suggesting you turn down all requests, but you must differentiate between responses that are for your benefit or for their benefit. An example of parent benefit would be when the parent buys their six-year old a toy or candy bar so that the nagging ends. Tough love would be to refuse and then suffer the never-ending onslaught of but why, but why, but why, but why, but why. Enough already, if this parent blinks first and gives in, chances are they have been blinking first for a long time already, and this is nothing new for them. The sad part is that they think they are being such a great parent, but in reality they are not parenting at all. Parenting for them is all about them, and what makes the day easiest.
Tough love is also letting them fall down and possibly get hurt, get up, dust off, and learn not to fall down again. Good parenting is tough love, just ask any parent that has cradled and protected a baby and then let it take it’s first steps, or go off to school alone. Tough love is listening to them blame others for their own mistakes and then not fixing it for them. Tough love is tough, but the alternative is raising a child that is not able tie his own shoes, that is if he can find them without throwing a hissy fit and demanding someone find them for him.
With older children, and calling them children may be generous when juvenile delinquent is more fitting for some, tough love may mean letting them walk after they destroy the family car, instead of buying another and tossing them a set of keys. Tough love may mean refusing to bail them out of a jamb. Or in the case of real jail bail, bailing them out at noon after they have missed school or work instead of at 3am when a phone call woke you from a sound asleep. Tough love may mean finally stepping up and being the parent you know you ought to be. For parents consumed in over parenting, doing nothing may be the toughest love of all.
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