Chapter #2 Centered Parenting or Centered Family?

• Conventional wisdom:   You must put your kids first.

•  Reality:   There is no first or second, you are all in it together.

When first asked what is most important, your children or your spouse, parents will quickly answer, then quickly switch answers, then hesitate to answer, but the smart ones will refuse to play the game.  

When a couple becomes a threesome, things change.  What was once a cozy love nest becomes a messy playpen.  The couple takes on their new parenting roles with fervor, they put the baby first, letting nothing stand in the way, including their own relationship. The bay gets the best of everything, including maximum mommy/daddy time.  What could be better for a child?  For starters, how about happy parents and a sibling.  Only children, tend to be so pampered, coddled, and time consuming that the parents relationship may be ignored to the point of damage.  Breakup of the relationship leaving a single parent youngster is not ideal, and for that reason alone, preservation of the two parents as family is top priority.

When parenting is so centered around the child that he becomes the center of the universe, you may think what is wrong with that, after all it’s a baby, and he needs (demands) attention. Nothing at all is wrong with taking care of the baby, provided it is a team family event, and not a one person effort.  When one caregiver obsesses over parenting and ignores or puts their partner on hold, it leads to ill will, arguing, and accusations.  One or both parents falsely believe they are more accountable to their child than to each other.  The child demands their attention leaving little if any time for each other.  All of this is unavoidable, because the child will always get the time required.  However if the child is welcomed as a equal third family member, instead of an all encompassing little king-like ruler, and the parents believe they are all in it together, they will survive, mature, and truly enjoy their new family life.

The parenting mindset is "us" not me, you, and the baby