9 - Touchy Feely, Hugs, kisses, and Tickling

• Conventional wisdom:   It’s ok for people to hug your kids.

•  Reality:  You should protect your kids from  unwanted touching.

This subject has explosive opinions, partly because it ranges from pedophilia grooming,  and gender identity phobias, to sweet old Grandma. Then throw in all the other touchy feely, or don’t touch, you have offended me cultures of the world, and the discussion becomes more divisive.

Thankfully, in this chapter, we are only addressing the issue of other people, whether they are relatives, friends or complete strangers, which touch our children.  It is very simple to understand, once you throw out all the tangent side arguments and zero in on scared innocent kids.   We can reduce the discussion to two types of touching.  The first is where, or when, your child feels uncomfortable or does not want to be touched.  Picture a child cowering behind mom or dad, trying to avoid some huge adults smothering groping hug and slobbery wet kisses.  Ick.  The second touch is where, or when, the other person  crosses the line of inappropriateness.   Now picture a helpless child on the receiving end of some deviant behavior.  

You, just like your child have the absolute right to privacy and this includes not being touched if you don’t want it.  Adults and larger more mature children when faced with unwanted touching simply squirm away, say no, or get physical if required.  Little kids do not have that luxury, they have been taught to mind adults and except authority.  Sadly, many times their parents promote or allow uncomfortable situations, thinking they are being respectful or teaching their children some sort of life lesson, and when diverse multi generational cultures are considered, they may be absolutely in the right.  But, forcing children to submit to what they don’t understand only teaches them that they have no control and are helpless, not exactly the best lesson for fostering well rounded secure kids.

So what about those uncomfortable good bye hugs and kisses grandparents famously shower on their grand kids. Simple,  if your child resists , turns away, says no, or asks to be helped you must not fail them. You are their protector and for many years their only defense.  Some parents force their children to hug and except unwanted kisses, but what they are being taught, is that they are not in charge of their bodies, that their parents do not protect them from unwanted advances, that they have no say so about what adults may do to them.  The obvious dilemma is that grandma or the stranger may be acting perfectly normal and the child is freaking out for no reason.  What is likely to happen is a family rift or a well-meaning friend will be insulted when you step in to protect your child.  If it were that simple, then so be it, your child always comes first, and that’s that.  With a little tact, a savvy parent should be able to take charge and support their child as well as not insult their in-laws and best friends.

In a nutshell,  parents should be aware of how their children perceive these intrusions on privacy and step in orally or even physically place themselves in supportive positions.  As children grow they will eventually fend for themselves if taught and allowed to own their bodies as personal  and private space, but the youngest need protection from touchy feely creeps, even if she looks like grandma.  A child should never feel alone and abandoned while their parents stand nearby and do nothing.  Other cultures - feel free to take exception.

Hands Off - Creep