8 - Distraction and Manipulation for Children and Adults

• Conventional wisdom:   You can bargain your way to better behavior

• Reality:  Yes, and  It works with adults too!

Manipulation is a bad word, or is it?  It depends on whether one appreciates the results.  If a baby is screaming his fool head off, and you can’t concentrate on the funny pages, you will appreciate the parent that gives a rattle to the baby.  The baby was manipulated and everyone in earshot is happy.   All parents, young or seasoned and all caregivers need to employ this useful technique, in fact sometimes, it is the baby that teaches all those around them how the system works.  Here is how. 


   The baby’s lesson starts with crying because that’s all it knows, and then steadily escalates to uncontrolled wailing. The alert parent/caregiver eager to head off an hour (entire day) of screaming gets in the baby's face and says something dumb like, gooby gooby gag me with a spoon.  Of course, the baby is now irritated and ups the ante and the volume.  The adult on the scene, realizing talk is not going to work, frantically searches his memory and surroundings for an answer and spots a half dozen toys that may or may not be what the baby wants.  Picking a pacifier, the parent offers it as a solution only to have it tossed an impossible twenty five feet by flailing arms that are trying to convey “change me you fool.”  Next the clueless (or maybe not) father offers a barely age appropriate transformer toy that the baby goes ga ga over.  Then baby goes silent for a precious second or two, until with an iron grip, it swings the transformer toy wildly about, slamming it between open mouth and floor.  Then with bugged out eyes, forgets about the dirty diaper that started it all. So, in case you missed it, the baby’s attention was redirected or distracted by the toy and temporarily focused on something else.  In this case, peace will be short-lived, and the tirade will soon resume with a vengeance. The lesson is that screaming gets results, and distraction gets results.  With modification, this technique is used throughout life.  Not just with babies but with teens and adults too. Here are some more examples.  Suppose a salesman tells a customer that they look younger every day. Yes, that is manipulation and distraction. The customer is pleased to be complimented, and lets slide that the salesman is pushing a high priced second rate product.  The salesman is using flattery to manipulate the customer.  The customer is not duped, they know they are not getting younger, but they enjoy the words and may reward the salesman by purchasing his product.  Now let’s talk teens.  Suppose a   teenager wants to do something that his parents may not agree with.  The teen will start off with, “you know dad, you are more fair minded than mom… you can see right away, the teen calls his dad fair-minded, and as a bonus sets up parental competition.  Lets jump to a parent that has just been asked by their little one if they may have a thousand dollar game toy, of course we know the ultimate answer is, “no way Charlie,” but instead dad says, “you know, perhaps we should talk about how you might earn the money to buy it someday.”  All these examples are essentially the same, the salesman traded flattery for a chance to show his wares, the screaming baby traded rattles and toys for a short lived silence, and if dad ever wises up, the two of them may trade fresh pants for a longer bit of peace. The teen traded compliments and a challenge for a favorable decision, and lastly, the thousand dollar toy boy, is offered a job in exchange for what he wants.  In the case of the baby, a short lived distraction (the rattle) was offered first, and then soundly rejected in favor of better trades. (smart baby’s rule the roost)

   Manipulation may easily become underhanded and deceptive when carried beyond flattery and deal making, but in parenting, one hopes that parents have their children’s best interests at heart.  Making trades and or offers in compromise with our kids have been with us all along but we fail to see and embrace it fully.  When a child asks for special treatment and dad says “how about you wash the car first,” they are making a deal.  When mom says “not until you do your homework,” she is manipulating her child.  These may seem  minor or trivial type examples, but what we need to take away, is how they differ from how we might currently deal with children.  Using our same scenarios, dad says to the thousand dollar toy boy, “Hell no, do you think I’m made of money?”  Dad holds the screaming (dirty) baby at arms length and says to mommy, “here, you make him quiet.” The teen offers up his obvious fair-minded ploy, only to have dad say, “what? do think I’m stupid.”  

   There is no need to go on and on with more day to day examples, but lets’ point out some more thoughts.

●  When manipulating a situation, be honest, not sneaky or deceitful.

●  Keep smiling and stay friendly for superior results when deal making.

●  Non family will resent being manipulated, learn to back off!

●  If you already excel at manipulation and easily tell lies, you may be a closet psychopath.