12 - Myths about Children and Health

Conventional wisdom:  This stuff is all true  
✔ Reality: Most of this talk was 
                        debunked fifty years ago 

Fun little list to get you thinking or riled up.

1 - Sugar makes kids hyper - no   (I find this hard to believe since we eat candy for energy)
2 – Children are born pure and don’t lie - nope
3 -  Children do as they are told - oh sure
4 – Cold weather causes colds - nope
5 -  Children must eat veggies or be vitamin deficient – no
6 – Vitamins provide extra energy – no
7 – Going Barefoot causes flat feet – no (bloody feet, yes)
8 -  Walkers help a baby learn to walk – no, but they are fun
9 – Children may sit in the front seat safely without air bags – nope , and they aren't safe with air bags until bigger.
10 - Children must be forced to eat food that’s good for them – no
11 – Going outside with wet hair or without a coat causes colds nope  (it teaches them a lesson in shivering)
12 – Sitting close to the TV, dim light, or computer harms vision – no  (if they are super, super close-get em checked)
13 – Coffee stunts growth – no – but caffeine inhibits absorption of calcium leading to problems (bah)
14 – Thumb sucking is bad, and causes buck teeth – no - in   most children it goes away if you ignore it
15 – Eating carrots helps vision, nope, but they can turn orange 

13 - Read to Them - Sure, But Why?

Conventional wisdom:   You must read to your kids.

✔  Reality:   No, you must listen to them.     

Experts will say  you should read to your kids to teach them to read. Ok, reading is undoubtedly good, but what about the times that all you really do is talk to each other, or more one sided, they do all the talking, and you just listen. Perhaps a reading session is really more of a special one on one bonding chance for some parents. 

Reading may start out with, one fish, two fish, but quickly switches to, that girl is mean to me, so your reading session may be more of a talk session.  That’s ok,  when your  little ones open up about something that is bothering them, or they just want to talk, don’t trivialize it, and get on with reading.  Instead, put the book down and give your full attention to listening.  You may learn your child has some fears or concerns you can fix for them.  They may want to share with you something new in their life that they are proud of.  Most of all, they may just want your undivided attention.

If you have set aside a specific time for reading, and find that your child is hijacking the time to talk and talk and talk, you may have a little problem where they are manipulating you into extending your together time with them. If they do this occasionally, it’s ok, in fact it can be a very special time.  But if it happens all the time, be forewarned, you should quit at the agreed upon time.  If they still want to read or talk, tell them “next time.”  If it happens all the time, you may need to start your reading/talking earlier, or add sessions earlier in the day, but don’t let them push and push and push you beyond lights out, or you’ll be sorry.

That warning being said, you should be on the lookout for truly emergency parenting sessions during reading/talk time.  They may have a real big problem, but only hint around at its existence.  Remember, it is hard for them to tell you certain things.   You don’t want to hear later that they tried to tell you something important, and you said, “lights out, tell me next time.”   So, you need to not only listen, but pay attention and understand what they are saying to you.

Here are a few points to ponder regarding reading.  Are you reading to them, or with them?  Do you find yourself drawn into the book of the day and want to finish it, do they? Are you choosing a story that interests you, but not them?  Why are you reading to your little one ten grade levels above their comprehension? Is it because you hope they will benefit and increase their vocabulary?  Or maybe, it’s a title you choose for yourself, or reading is a time to share each other’s company not actually read.  Do you watch them, and check your watch, waiting for them to fall asleep, so you can quit reading?  If you do, you’re not really reading with them, you’re putting them to bed.  Are you being consistent, setting aside 30-45 minutes each night for reading.  What if your crazy schedule doesn’t allow it?  Here are a few suggestions. Try reading in mornings, try twice a week, try weekends only, try a babysitter, try reading at lunch time.

The last paragraph was full of questions, and few answers because there are no correct answers.  Yes, you should read with your kids, (or listen) but unfortunately in this hectic world, reading sometimes gets the short straw.  Please, don’t let reading get bumped for playing video games, there are some people that claim video games actually help kids learn to read, but I wonder how well video games do at listening.   ✔Listening is an important part of parenting.

From the Trenches

I could see my four year old from 

across the school yard, I was sitting in my car.

When I looked again he was standing on top of the

monkey bar structure and then suddenly, he falls to the ground, 

a distance of over ten feet.

He is out of site, I can’t see him, 

I’m on my way expecting the worse.

Then he pops up, and climbs back up the bars.

When I got there, I made sure he was ok.  

I then made sure he  understood, 

that he had to hold on.

Falling was not ok.

I don’t think he has ever fallen again.

Another time, another son, another place.

My boy jumps only six inches from a playground platform

down to a thick layer of school approved wood chips.

His leg is broken, he gets a cool cast and all the other 

preschoolers write their names on it.

 (mostly scribble) 

14 - Learning The Hard Way!

Conventional wisdom:  Kids learn from experience. 
✔ Reality:   Kids are maimed while their parents watch.

“Watch it, he’s going to fall,”   says the observant dad at the playground.  “It’s ok, he needs to learn to be careful,”   says the other, more modern enlightened dad watching his child about to break an arm, or leg, or worse.

Of course we all hope the dad didn’t really intend to abuse his child, but parents run the gamut from scary hands off, to so involved they speak for the child during play times. Learning from experience certainly is a great way to gain knowledge and beats listening to dumb old parents, and then ignoring their words of wisdom, but no child needs the school of hard knocks instead of a parent.  For some reason many well meaning parents grasp upon an idea and then ignore the details.  They insist learning the hard way is good, and then smugly stand back while their child burns his hands, bruises, bleeds, and suffers.  Some misguided parents call it tough love, as if that excuses them, others will say it is child abuse.  The problem is from the parent perspective a cut heels, bruises go away and that nasty bully is really teaching their child some sort of great life lesson, but the child sees it differently.  They think that they are bleeding to death, the bruise is the most pain in their little lives and getting worse, and the bully is more terrifying than Godzilla.  To cap it off, their great protector parent is standing by doing nothing;  in fact their parent has defected to the other side and become an instigator of everything currently wrong in their life.

What to do - well for starters, parents can pay attention and learn their child’s habits.  Do they fall in water every time they get near a fountain? Admit it, is he or she a klutz? And, they can pay attention to surroundings.  Falling is the number one way kids get hurt.   It doesn’t take much to spot dozens of traps at the park, school yard, back yard, store, or in the house.  Let’s make a fast list;  stairs, drop offs, swinging things at head height, hot things, water, throw-able things, finger pinchers, head/neck entanglers,  ingestible and inhalable stuff, slippery places, strange pets, monkey bars, other kids doing stupid things.  The list is endless and kids are curious, fast, devious, and for the most part poor liars about what they are up to.

✔Parents need to be parents all the time so that their children may be children all the time. This may seem simple and obvious, but the key words are, all the time, all it takes is an instant of inattention or one poor decision and the child suffers the consequences.  Have you ever seen a five year old walking and balancing atop a wall or railing while the parent strolls nearby watching? That seems innocent enough until the child goes over the edge, and then the parent is too far away to help in a split second. If it were safe, then why is there a railing?  The parent says to the EMT called to  the scene of the accident, “it all happened so fast, I couldn’t do anything to help.”  The parents mistake was the decision to let the child stand on the railing in the first place; it is the parents fault the child is hurt, period!  End of story!

✔The next mistake to be avoided, is not giving comfort and not showing concern or empathy even if it’s just a little boo boo.  Parents need to be parents all the time so that their children may be children all the time, and this includes providing solace when they stumble.  No, giving solace does not create a cry baby, giving too much solace does.

Learning the hard way, is no excuse for lax parenting and needs to be put to rest once and for all.

15 - Tough Love Starts with NO!

Conventional wisdom:    Forcing a person to become responsible once defined tough love.
 ✔ Reality:      People hide behind tough love  to excuse abusive and poor parenting.

Tough love does not mean the parent has some sort of pre-approved license to be mean or treat their offspring poorly.  Tough love is tough on the parent not the child.  It is hard for parents to deny their children anything, but especially hard to do so after teaching and modeling indulgent and selfish habits.  When tough love comes into play, it may mean the parent has already screwed up and corrective actions are required.  The hard part is that the parent needs to, first see their own mistakes, and then must face an uphill battle of undoing what may be a lifetime of bad examples, bad decisions, and poor role modeling.  ✔ It takes a well-adjusted, committed parent to see fault in themselves, take corrective action and then set the stage for undoing damage.  It is much easier to blame others or circumstances out of their control, and then smugly go about ones business secure in the wisdom that they are close to perfect, and the rest of us are imperfect, but it is never too late to get it right when parenting.

Probably the number one best tough love thing a parent can do is  ✔learn to say no, but the smart parent avoids the word no and still finds a way to impose good decisions.      A simple example is offering a glass of water when asked for a soda pop instead of a fast, no, it will rot your teeth.  Another example of not saying no would be to offer a delayed decision, how about watching a cartoon after you finish your homework,  or maybe that toy will be a birthday present.      Keep in mind, we are not suggesting you turn down all requests, but you must differentiate between responses that are for your benefit or for their benefit.  An example of parent benefit would be when the parent buys their six-year old a toy or candy bar so that the nagging ends.  Tough love would be to refuse and then suffer the never-ending onslaught of but why, but why, but why, but why, but why.    Enough already, if this parent blinks first and gives in, chances are they have been blinking first for a long time already, and this is nothing new for them.  The sad part is that they think they are being such a great parent, but in reality they are not parenting at all. Parenting for them is all about them, and what makes the day easiest.

Tough love is also letting them fall down and possibly get hurt, get up, dust off, and learn not to fall down again.  Good parenting is tough love, just ask any parent that has cradled and protected a baby and then let it take it’s first steps, or go off to school alone.  Tough love is listening to them blame others for their own mistakes and then not fixing it for them.  Tough love is tough, but the alternative is raising a child that is not able tie his own shoes, that is if he can find them without throwing a hissy fit and demanding someone find them for him.

With older children, and calling them children may be generous when juvenile delinquent is more fitting for some, tough love may mean letting them walk after they destroy the family car, instead of buying another and tossing them a set of keys.          Tough love may mean refusing to bail them out of a jamb.  Or in the case of real jail bail,  bailing them out at noon after they have missed school or work instead of at 3am when a phone call woke you from a sound asleep.  Tough love may mean finally stepping up and being the parent you know you ought to be.  For parents consumed in over parenting, doing nothing may be the toughest love of all.

16 - Lying - Fibbing

Conventional wisdom:  Children are born pure and must learn to lie.
  ✔ Reality: Children are animals and lying for survival is instinctual.

Who took that cookie? What happened in here? Did you do this?  You know the answer to all these questions will be, not me,  and denial, or in other words lies, lies and more lies.  It is comical how faced with overwhelming evidence, or caught red handed, a child will deny culpability.  In fact after being punished or absolved of all wrongdoing and responsibility, children will still lie.     If a parent says, I don’t care about the cookie, but I care whether you are lying, the child will continue to lie.  I know, your child never lies, so for the sake of discussion we will only refer to someone else’s child.  (See, you too)

In the opening sentence the question was, who took that cookie,  which sounds accusatory and may easily trigger a survival lie. If the question were phrased slightly different, did you eat the cookie?” the answer may have been, “yes, can I have another one please.”  A child’s brain is not fully developed and does not process logical steps of being truthful to stay out of trouble. How children, infants, and toddlers behave or misbehave when young is partly if not wholly ingrained, or instinctual.     ✔Parents that miss this subtle animal trait and expect adult thinking are setting themselves up for frustration.

As children become older than infants and begin to intentionally lie, parents need to be careful how they phrase their interrogations so as to not trigger survival lies.  Do not be such a stickler for finding fault or setting blame, and let the little things slide.   Instead, use positive reinforcement (praise) when the truth is freely offered.  ✔Punishing one little insignificant lie is a mistake, and may set the stage  for more deceit and lying.  All one need do is take a look at the adult population both public and private to see that lying is a serious and popular pastime. Fortunately, for parents, most children, unlike politicians, are not good liars, and they tend to lie about things that don’t matter.

They will outgrow lying, no they wont, but they may get better at it!

17 - Is Gratefulness Linked to Healthy Children?

Conventional thinking:   No one  thinks about this. 

✔  Reality:   We should.

    Yes, according to researchers, grateful children are less depressed than ungrateful toads. (my words)  Plus they may do better in school.  And it makes senses that less depressed kids are happier kids and happier kids are probably healthier too.  So, it makes sense to teach them a little gratitude.

    Young children around five or less don’t grasp being thankful just yet.  When mom helps them write thank you notes for presents, they just go through the motions expecting more presents for their efforts. This is not to say young kids can’t learn to be grateful, it means like so many things we teach our kids, they will absorb it and put it to use later when they need it. That notion sounds a little more self-serving than grateful, time will tell in all children.

   Meanwhile, some time tested grateful exercises to share with children are listed below.

1. Saying your blessings at bedtime, and discussing the days events. 

2. Meal time rituals, listing things to be thankful for that day. 

3. Thank you notes, (ok, e-mail, text and im) or just a plain old phone call. 

4. As a parent, be observant and savor experiences together. 

5. Don’t miss giving credit where due, even people in the news. 

6. Walk the talk, demonstrate your own gratitude, always.

In addition, a few negative grateful 

actions to think about too:

1. Quit complaining about everything. 

2. Quit being so materialistic and self-absorbed yourself. 

3. Don’t let them off the hook, require age appropriate responsibility. 

4. Quit saying yes to every request, it creates an entitled child mind-set.

    You should expect your child to begin to show empathy as they mature, he or she will also begin to express gratitude, compassion and thankfulness.  Remember, like growing a giant Redwood, it takes time.  That little seedling of today with proper nourishment will one day amaze everyone.

18 - Praise is Necessary

Conventional wisdom:  Too much praise will go to their head. 

✔ Reality:  That often used statement is senseless.

Praise means to show approval, appreciation and recognition.  The child that is motivated to excel and is rewarded with a sticker or gold star isn’t really collecting gold stars, he or she is earning approval, and praise.  When they receive the gold star, they are in the spotlight.  When the star is displayed on a chart, they and their peers are reminded of the deed or accomplishment, and the action is positively reinforced.  A child that is regularly rewarded and recognized will strive to keep it coming.

✔Parents have a powerful tool with praise, and are their children’s number one cheerleaders. Timely words and hugs may launch a child to greatness, while lack of praise or worse yet, mean criticism, may have devastating effect.  This is such a strong concept that there is no need to show convincing examples, however it is surprising how many parents fail to use praise with their children.

  Here are some words and phrases to work into your everyday routine. 

1. Congratulations, you did good 

2. I’m proud of you 

3. Hurrah, kudos, high five 

4. Way to go5. You did good 

6. Wonderful 

7. Wow 

8. Great job 

9. Success, huge, tremendous 

10. Humongous 

11. Fantastic

     Hopefully the above list has got you thinking, not so much of specific words, but of working praise into everyday conversation.  Do not wait for your child to do some praise worthy project or accomplishment.  Give them an approving slap on the back, just for being themselves.   Create or invent a situation, then applaud away.  “Look, you ate your beans, how wonderful, you did a great job, high five, I’m so proud of you, now try the cabbage”

     A few more praise worthy thoughts:

We should be hearing parents pump up their kids with over the top gushing like, “Oh you are wonderful,  I knew you could do it. What a great job,”  However, when adults hear some of these lines they may think “how corny, or cliché .

      Little kids thrive on this kind of praise and optimism. When preschoolers come home from daycare or preschool armed with a handful of scribbled drawings to show mom and dad, they are looking for and expecting attention and approval.  

      ✔All the parents need to do is acknowledge their child’s work in an approving exciting manner.  What the child gets out of it is self-approval, parental approval, and assurance that they really are wanted, loved and still  #1 in their parents’ life.  If the preschooler comes home to a blasé parent attitude, and has their scribbling ignored or unceremoniously tossed in the circular file, they will quickly turn to attention getting antics.  How will mom like crayon cave drawings scribbled on the walls for instance?

You look good, so do you, you too. 

Good job, you too, and you too.

19 Praise Words To Use - Everyday -

Conventional wisdom:  I compliment my children all the time.

   ✔  Reality:  Your children may disagree, ask them!

Use these example words  to praise children, try working them into every day language.  There is nothing special about these words, but if you read this list and don’t recognize any as part of your usual discourse, then your child may be missing an important part of growing up.  

Your approval is wanted!(mandatory

1. Beautiful
2. Brilliant 
3. Congratulations
4. Excellent
5. Fantastic
6. Good job
7. I’m proud of you
8. Magnificent
9. Outstanding
10. Super job
11. Great work
12. You’re the best
13. Way to go
14. You make me so happy
15. You’re a winner
16. Your fantastic
17. Show me more
18. Wow

20 Impulse Control and Your Child

Conventional wisdom:    They are just impulsive kids, what’s the big deal?

✔Reality:   It is a huge life changing deal and parents ignore the consequences 

Researchers have definitely  connected the dots and drawn solid conclusions from  the original Stanford University marshmallow test, and many similar follow up studies.  As parents, we need to cut to the chase and initiate positive proven practical parenting.  Here is a list of what we think we know for sure.
1. Impulsive actions are generally not desirable.
2. Children that are unable to delay gratification have more issues as a rule.
3. When these children grow up they still have more issues.
4. Health, weight, financial, marriage, mental health, and the list goes on to the point it is impossible to deny a child isn’t better off learning some basic self control, even a little impulse control learned late in life is better than none.
5. ✔We know impulse control may be learned.   We know that self control, delayed gratification, critical thinking, restraint, willpower, composure, temperance, moderation, and a long list of other synonyms may be taught, and will benefit  children, tweens, and adults.
6. We know these desirable and undesirable traits are easily emulated, taught, and learned at home, work, at school and in every part of day to day living.
What can you do? 
This may be harder for the parent than the child, but you must teach your child how to act by following your good example.

● Stop all snap decisions, learn to sleep on it, and explain to your children why you are waiting a day, week or more to decide.

● Learn to show your own self control.  Don’t yell, lash out or speak harshly when things don’t go the way you want.

● Quit eating snacks, show some restraint.   Fat parents make fat children, but worse yet, they develop diabetes and heart disease when they get older.

● Learn to say no and be resolute no matter how big the tantrum.
● If you smoke, quit.  If you drink a six pack of soda, beer, or any other indulgence each night, think of how your child looks at your action.  Does weak, spineless, low will power, lacking in self-control come to mind?  How about addictive behavior?  

✔If this line of thinking is irritating to you,  good, it means you are considering these written words.  There are few things in parenting that will have a greater affect over the course of a child's life than setting an example to follow.  Notice it could be a good or bad example, that’s your choice to make, but you are the example they copy more than any other, and to that end you have no choice.  Impulsive behavior is not a model for good parenting.

21 Instant Gratification and the List of I Wants

Conventional thinking:    Why not, I can afford it, I deserve it, what can it hurt?

✔  Reality:     Impulsive actions may not be well thought out.

Impulse buying, impulse eating, impulse actions are pretty much to be avoided, but try taking kids shopping without coming face to face with savvy marketing aimed right at them.  Referring to the Stanford study again that brought this fact to light,  they showed children that are able to better control their impulses, do better as adults.    Less impulsive people tended to do better academically, in business, marriage, in virtually all aspects of life, even enjoy better health.  The good news is that all of us, including young children can learn to control impulsive behavior and it is never too late to take charge.

✔ For children, the first and possibly best thing a parent can do is learn to say no.  Just saying no to our kids is the primary solution to a myriad of parenting problems.   Children learn that they can demand, nag, beg, scream, throw tantrums, etc., and they get results.  They may not even be thinking about what they want.  After the first I want is decided or voiced, all they want is instant gratification or results.  What they are learning is not thinking, but acting.  Life choices require thinking first, the stove is hot, the knife is sharp, the candy is a poison pill,  buying everything on credit requires paying it back, flipping out at work means getting fired and then getting another job.  Saying no to your children does not mean denying them; it means you are teaching them self-control.  Self-control, that they need to experience and  to make part of their life.

Things you can do as a parent are simple, think first, become aware of what you are doing or teaching your children.  Here are some ideas and examples to think about.  The basic piggy bank teaches delayed gratification (self-control) breaking it with a hammer does not.  Taking lunch in a sack and not eating it until lunchtime is good, eating it on the bus on the way to school is not so good.  Playing a toddler game that takes a while to complete is better than tearing pages out of a book.  When a screaming baby throws their food off the tray and mom quickly replenishes the supply, only to be tossed again.   The baby is learning instant gratification, and may have no idea what it wants, but it is getting instant results.  If mom waits a minute and then spoon feeds something different, everyone wins.  At the grocery store check-out aisle the shelves are lined with impulse items, just say no, no matter what. When your teen says  “I need a new XXXX”,  ask them to explain why they need it right now this minute.  Finally, once again look at your own habits.  You may be able to slow your own instant spending by simply leaving extra cash and credit cards at home, thereby forcing yourself to take the time to think about that impulse purchase.  As an afterthought, you may wish to log off your online account and not have the buy now button staring at you while you surf the net.

22 Tantrums and Bratty Behavior

Conventional wisdom:   Brats are someone else’s kids.

✔ Reality:   Brats aren’t born, they are created. (Hatched?)

Bratty behavior seems to come natural to some kids. But chances are, they learned to be brats.
    Have you noticed; some kids have a look to them that makes you think they might be brats before they open their mouths and confirm it?   Something about, lack of smiling, or maybe it’s that half sneer that sets them apart, almost as if they are daring You and the world to bring it on, suggesting you ain’t seen nothing yet.  Brats can be scary, partly because they defy authority, but also because they are predictably unpredictable. We can’t do anything about other parents brats, except maybe run away and take our kids with us.

Look for these signs in your younger  kids, hopefully you can steer them another direction before the playgroup loses your number on purpose.

1. Tantrums, tantrums, tantrums.
Be patient and don’t give in.  Make sure not to discipline inappropriately, most tantrums, simply should be ignored, and certainly not responded to with your own tantrum.  Kids use tantrums to get their way, if you give in, you reinforce that it works, and they own you.  Once started, tantrums may be on autopilot so there is no way for the child to connect their actions with your discipline.  ✔When a tantrum ends, try not to bring attention to the fact it has stopped, just carry on with business.  Sometimes when tantrums begin, a parent may immediately take action that produces a negative, but powerful learning result for the child.  One example would be to remove the child from the play area when the tantrum over the toy begins. When done immediately the child learns that his tantrum didn’t get the toy, but lost all the toys.  Don’t expect to reason with children throwing tantrums, they are not reasonable or appropriate.  ✔Don’t laugh or ridicule them, that’s mean, disrespectful, and may cause them to lash out at you, hurling whatever is handy in your direction.

2. It’s mine, hitting, bossiness, not sharing and all those toddler things they do.  
Relax, this isn’t bratty behavior, its normal.  But you should, put away things they won’t or don’t want to share. Remove weapons and clubs, and if they hit with fists or bite, separate or remove them.  Try again in ten minutes.  They forget and move on quickly, but watch the biters,  they can draw blood and get you in deep trouble.

3. Acting rudely and disrespectful, especially to you and other adults.
✔First, understand that they know exactly what they are doing, but they may not know some of the words they are using, or how hurtful they come across.  This is when you must get tough immediately, not when you get home or after friends leave.  Depending on age and location, and how nasty they are, will determine your response from a quiet verbal reprimand on the side, to removal from present company.  This is not, not the time for a backhand across the face, or knocking them on their teakettle, but the urge to do so, is certainly understood.

4. I’m bored, ahem I’M BORED, I SAID I’M BORED
This isn’t really being bratty, but be thankful they are not playing with matches in the closet, or each other.  This is a normal but probably learned reaction to always needing stimulation from new things in their life.  Again, saying no to them earlier in life may have stemmed the apparent need to be constantly entertained now.   The reason he said he was bored three times is because you ignored him two times.  The two of you need to have a pow wow.  You agree to respond, if he or she agrees quit interrupting and politely wait.

In addition: Try having books around, or assign chores, have them weed the garden, bake cookies, play catch, build a tent in the family room, fiddle with a radio, write a poem, fold a paper airplane, or help you with your current task.  Some parents will say their job is not to entertain children; actually, the job at hand is to teach children to entertain themselves.   So, yes it is.

5. That whiny voice
Just like the snotty look that brats seem to share, they also use a whiney voice developed to irritate parents until they get their way.  Somehow they learned exactly how to drive you up the wall quicker than fingernails dragged across a blackboard.  Once again, this is no accident, they know what they are doing and you should nip it in the bud when it happens.  ✔Stop right there in the checkout line and call them on it.  Say to them, quit whining and use your normal voice.  If you’re lucky, they will look around, get embarrassed and stop.  Unfortunately, they may immediately ask again correctly, which is now nagging. You still must not give in or they get what they want, and learn that whiny nagging works.  ✔Stand your ground, say no, and explain that you will not say yes to anything they whine and nag about.  
Now, you should be on the lookout for a normal request that you can say yes to, and of course heap on proper praise.  Don’t be afraid to be obvious about what and when you say yes. Its’ ok to be obvious, we’re not tricking our kids, were teaching them, and they are on our team.  Soon they will be using these parenting techniques on you, and on their own kids, lesson learned.

6. Saying a defiant “NO” to your reasonable requests.
If your child refuses your reasonable request, first make sure it is reasonable, and then realize you have an authority problem.  At first they may simply be negotiating a better deal, but to out and out defy a parent is a serious problem and may require counseling.  Before you runoff seeking help, sit down and have a very focused conversation.  If the child is a toddler you may simply explain the rules, which will include loss of free time or something appropriate to the refusal.  (remember, discipline should match the act)  If the refusal comes from a tweener, it is probably time to give them more rope in exchange for their cooperation, but don’t give away the farm or you will never get it back.  Deal making with kids is ok, extortion is not.

Relax, it will all be over in fifteen years
 and then you will miss them.
Why fifteen?- its in the book!

23 When Confronted with Brats and Bratty Behavior.

Conventional wisdom:  Only other people’s children are brats.

✔ Reality:  One person’s angel is another person’s obnoxious irritant.

    How can anyone, even doting parents enjoy being around their own children when they act like brats. That wasn’t really a question, but notice I said,  “act like brats, not are brats.”  I’m leaving the door open for improvement.

Often when we notice brats, it is because they are doing something obnoxious and attention getting.  If a parent is nearby we look to them to do something about their child’s behavior but the parent is blinded, they do not see their wonderful offspring as anything but, cute, energetic, and well behaved.  Sometimes the parent is a grown up version of their brat and equally offensive.     Let’s get our priorities straight, you can’t do anything about others and their bad parenting, and these parents and the brats they are raising are not going away.  They will always be out there as examples (bad) for our kids to copy, and to learn from.         Yes, kids see bratty behavior and learn not to be like “Tommy the Terror”, but kids also succumb to pack mentality and peer pressures.  Pack mentality is when the child acts out of character to be like his friends. When a member of a group, they follow each other blindly, not thinking.  On their own, they  are  well behaved, but not necessarily so in a gang.

    What you can do is make sure your children know where you stand, ✔do not assume that a three year old knows what bratty behavior is, and that you don’t condone it.  Unless you take him or her aside and say, “See the way that kid is acting, climbing on the table, and using the f word, that’s bad and you should not act that way, ok, got it,” Realize that, they (your kids) may think you approve.   ✔If you say nothing, or act indifferent when in the presence of bratty behavior, you’re sending a silent signal. Your kids look to you for these unspoken signals as clues to how they should act.  Be careful, don’t go overboard, make sure not to blame your child for another kids behavior.  ✔He is not guilty by association.   When you point out bratty actions and show your disapproval, make your child a team member, and ask them what they think.  They may have a twist and surprise you with their insight.

Here come the kids from hell!

24 Fixing the Bully!

Conventional thinking:   It’s not my child, or 
it’s not my problem.

 ✔ Reality:   You are probably correct.

You could easily take this title the wrong way, and you would have a lot of support,  but correcting bullying behavior is tough, and neutering isn’t dependable.  The bully is in his element and getting fixed is not on his agenda.  

Sometimes parents approve, even promote aggressive behavior involving sports, and then allow it to carry over into everyday.  When the parents approve there is nothing to do except duck and cover and avoid contact. When the parents are on board, one recommended method is to have the bully become the victim and be asked the question, “How would you feel to be treated this way.” This question will need to be asked again and again by teachers and parents.  Eventually the bully will gain some empathy, and see that his actions are hurtful.  Sometimes if appropriate, the bully should be instructed to make amends, or fix the damage he has caused.  When caught and addressed early, the bully may simply wise up, once he realizes his actions make him a pariah.  But, if attention is what the bully seeks, or is ignored, or is cheered on by his peers and parents, will you know what happens then.  

Just like taking the title the wrong way, one could also think that this discussion is just about boys being bullies, and little girls are angels.  Little girls are not angels, and their bullying can be especially vicious in non-physical ways.  The cure is the same for girls and boys.

Thanksgiving Vacation

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone, Christmas is officially kicked off with black Friday on Thursday sales, and my kid has a five day weekend. Do you feel as I do that maybe they should attend school a little more? We have always, I think, had four day Thanksgiving's and I guess a lot of people are all for that, but adding Monday is too much.  My student is not a tag student and can use the time at school, instead he has time at the keyboard thanks to our school schedule. Oh, I know your thinking he's at the computer because I allow it, or I can make games off limits.  For me in our household it doesn't work that way. I'm not going to say anymore.

Going camping with the Boy Scouts

Tomorrow morning at 8 am we jump in the car and head for the Mt Hood wilderness to spend the day hiking and then camp overnight in a closed Boy Scout summer camp facility. At 3700 hundred feet Camp Baldwin will be cold and wet, possibly even with some snow falling.  The boys and a few adults will sleep in three sided camp buildings. I plan to sleep in the car.  Winter camping is OK but getting dark early and light late means a lot of time in the sleeping bag.  I'm bringing the Hobit to read by flash light, I think I read it years ago.

My youngest son is 13, he's the boy scout, I'm just the designated driver. I wont have much to do with him except in passing, he will take care of all his packing, cooking, keeping comfortable.  Some parents hover over their boys, I decided years ago that the boys do just fine without me telling them what to do.  A couple outings back I forgot to bring a plate, bowl and spoon.  I asked my son to take care of me at dinner time since I had forgot everything, he hustled up all I needed;  I think he must have felt pretty good, helping me out on that outing. During the last outing, he came to me and admitted he had forgot his mess kit, and asked if I would  stop by a store with a deli and grab a plastic fork and paper plate, which I did.

On this outing, there will be 33 boys, my son will look a lot like all the rest. There will be about 6 parents attending, I wonder if we all look about the same too.

For lunch I have prepared some burritos that I plan to eat cold, for dinner Saturday I have a big can of stew.  Breakfast will be hot coffee, eggs, and meatless sausage.  Lunch on Sunday will be more cold burritos. I don't know what my son is bringing, but I know he is fond of Ramen noodles, and he owns a back packing gas stove.

I'm packed and ready to go, my son, who knows. Most likely I will have 5 boys in my car for the ride up to Baldwin, coming home I will probably have the same  5, but they will be asleep.

Are you one of these parents?

The other day shopping somewhere, we were entertained by a parent and child.  The kid, if you can call her that was about 12 years old, as tall as the mom and could stand to lose half her body weight, was throwing a loud obnoxious fit. Screaming and yelling at her mom, stomping around saying what she wanted and didn't want.  The mom was saying "now now don't be like this"  Our 30 year old daughter said to my wife rather loudly, "Just smack her" Of course smacking the brat is considered abuse, but if someone would have made this kid behave when she was 2 or 3, she might be more adorable today. We all felt sorry for the mom, but mostly just wanted them to go away.
Are you one of those patents? no of course not, but some of you are.
Lets see hows it go, "spare the whip spoil the child"  no no it's "Spare the rod" that's it.

This comes from a Biblical proverb (Prov 13:24): "He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently."

This little side show reminded us of  one afternoon when our daughter was about  1 or 3, we were in a Pay-Less store and she didn't get her way so she carefully laid down in the aisle (months earlier she had thrown herself down getting a painful bump on the head, so now she carefully laid down) and began screaming and thrashing her arms and legs.  It was actually pretty funny to watch, and totally appropriate for a toddler. Anyway her mom and I ignored her (to the horror of onlookers) and walked out of sight to the next aisle, in moments the hissy fit stopped, she got up off the floor and hurriedly went looking for us. When she found us we loudly (for the audience) acknowledged her better behavior and went about our shopping. 

beat me with a stick and see who loses

Stray dog adopts our neighborhood

Reports of dog sightings have been filtering in to our house. At sun up we are awakened by howling, I spot a coyote sized dog with a distinctive German Shepard look in our upper driveway. My daughter says she spotted a dog hiding when she came home at midnight. We don't own a dog and our two cats have no doggy friends so when I see the stray outside my office window I bang on the glass hoping to scare it away. I see it turn the corner back into our yard so I walk outside and find it cowering under the car.  On my approach it bolts up the road into a neighbors yard.  That afternoon talking with neighbors, all who have spotted it, I realized the dog had been around for several days, but none of the adults have been able to approach it. The two youngest kids (13 and 9) take it upon themselves to befriend the stray and immediately are successful. Using typical children sounds and doggy treats they  were able to call it over, pet it and soon place a rope around Frisky's neck, (of course they named it) When I approached  Frisky snapped and growled at me while retreating between my sons legs.  Soon enough all of us were able to gather around, but Frisky remained cautious of adults and sought the children for protection.  I have twice driven the local area looking for lost dog signs, I've also checked Craigs List and the lost dog list at the county shelter web site.  Now what?

Summer Camp Tomorrow

Sunday we drop our boy scout off to go to camp for a week.
 I remember when our oldest boy went off to camp, we worried about little things, made plans to visit midweek and sent a care package before he left to make sure it arrived while he was at camp. Fifteen years and three more boys later, we plan our own little trips while he's away.  Freed up at last, no responsibility for a week maybe we will just sit at home with some piece and quiet. Maybe an overnight-er on the boat.  The week will go by fast, and there's still the possibility we will visit the last night to attend the campfire.  We will wait expectantly when we drop him off for his last comment.  Sometimes they turn and walk away without saying goodbye, that hurts a little. sometimes they are all hugs and I miss you. I expect it will be something like this, " Bye mom, don't forget to feed my fish" or "Bye, I'll call you when we get back"

The new monitor arrived

Surprise, when I picked up the new monitor my son hurriedly volunteered to unpack and set it up in the office; of course this meant his monitor was now available for him to use again. I quickly pointed out that I knew what he was up to.  Meanwhile Linda has pointed out that my worry's about too much gaming may be unfounded, after all his older brother played a lot with computers and now he's a geek with a great future. I will mention that the geek set up a time schedule for his younger brothers online time; I don't fully understand whats going on but I think the internet shuts off automatically and the younger boy doesn't know the password.  I remember when the geek was little that passwords and other supposed safeguards were merrily a challenge that he quickly got around. As part of my decision to do stuff with him, we went to Malibu Grand Prix Raceway yesterday and he had a great time. I paid for two laps, he paid for one, plus he found a two lap coupon online (go internet)
John

Problem Solved, (no more monitor!) no more games!

A few weeks back I was lamenting over how much time my son was spending in front of his computer, well guess what? my monitor for my home office computer just went black.  It didn't take but a few minutes to get me going again, because I confiscated the monitor from the other room where he plays all his games.  I know, I know, this isn't going to last.  I'm already surfing for a new big screen for my office.  I've sort of gotten used to my sons smaller lower quality picture, but I'm definitely getting a new one.  It will likely be about a week at best before I get one, and that's if I order one online today.  So in the next week I have to keep him out of my office and come up with a believable reason why he can't just take his monitor back, even for just an hour or so.  For starters, it's not his, technically its mine and he just has privileges, but we always refer to it as his computer, check that, technically it belongs to his brother as a hand me down from when his brother built a new system, so I guess it's not mine either, but I own the house so I should have some rights of confiscation.  And lets not forget, I need a monitor in my office, and that should trump his game playing time.
He just spent the weekend on a scout camping trip, so he's probably having  war game withdrawal symptoms already, except he's still asleep.  When he gets up about noon and the pain gets intense, I will pay careful attention, maybe even listen to what he says, I don't want to switch his habit to TV reruns or soap operas, so I will look outside the box. I think I'll take a stab at getting him to ride his bicycle around the neighborhood and then promise lunch at a place he chooses, then after lunch I'll pay him to clean his room and wash the cars.  When my new monitor arrives and I give this one back to him he should be just a kid again.

"It's the first day of summer"

Today is the longest day of the year and many children are free from school until after Labor Day, "yipeee".
I always feel for the kids on the last day of summer break.  I remember some years when I was faced with the first day of school how nervous I was, some years even afraid. Now I'm wondering how many kids dread summer.   Do they have day care to look forward to? Latch key? Abuse? Just because schools out doesn't mean their parents are off work.  I know some parents will schedule camps back to back all summer.  They say it's great for their kids, having lots of activities.  I wonder if the kids think its great.  Our children aren't dumb, they know they are being shipped off to a fancy baby sitter costing hundreds or thousands of dollars.  Our children are not worldly or mature enough to know that it may be the only choice their parents have.  Some kids benefit being at camps all summer, I know some would rather be with their family, but with two income family's now being the norm, what can they do? That neighbor kid you saw the last nine months playing after school, has he suddenly disappeared?  I wonder where he is, and if he's  dreading schools return or another summer.
John

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire, ever heard that one? of course you have. How do you teach your kids not to lie?  It's tough when they see their friends lie, their teachers lie, their parents lie, our presidents lie, the news casters lie.
I don't have the answer except to set an example yourself, but, but, but I have to lie sometimes, don't I?
Like when I want to go to the beach, I tell work I'm sick.  Or, I read the directions, but not really. I wasn't speeding. How about the double shot of booze you knock back, and your child asks, what are you drinking? you answer, "oh nothing" ahem, just water.  I think children don't see the difference between a white lie and a whopper, a lies a lie.
Do you punish them when they tell you the truth?  Who broke that vase? the doggy did it? No he didn't, your lying, go to your room.  Who broke that vase? I did it daddy, you were playing to rough, go to your room.
See the difference, neither do I.  Who broke that vase? I don't know daddy. (lying) Oh, OK, here's an ice cream cone.
So we reward them for lying and punish for the truth.
Last winter while I was working outside on a windy day I accidentally broke the windshield on my daughters car. It was a very small crack, not really noticeable unless the light was right.  I decided not to say anything about it. About a week later she mentioned her windshield was broken and had no idea how it happened. It took me about two minutes maybe less to confess.  I thought about how a persons true character reveals itself to themselves, when know one else knows, yet they do the right thing. When I thought about being a liar, which is what keeping silent is, or being the honesty is the best policy person I had represented myself to be her entire life, the decision was easy.
Children watch and learn everything you do, and they will be just like you.

Boy Scout Summer Camp

Summer Camp for us has been a chance to get away ourselves. Several years now, we have coordinated a week away at the same time our boys are away at Boy Scout camp. The first time we were nervous about being unavailable should an emergency come up, but one never has.  We made sure the adults attending camp knew that we would be away from home.  This was before cell phones, with the advent of cell phones and especially text messaging we don't give it a second thought. We are always a simple call away, even though we may be hundreds of miles away.  I don't think it would be wise to be thousands ( like in Hawaii) of miles distant unless you make arrangements with another adult or older family member to be your stand in. Should something come up, like a broken bone or mystery ailment, all camps have emergency procedures and you have likely signed a medical release that will take care of the immediate needs, but a friendly face visiting a hospitalized child is not too much to ask you as a parent to provide whether it be by proxy or in person.
Summer Camp this year is scheduled for late July and we are discussing our options, maybe staying home will be the most peaceful, well have to see what comes up.

Some things kids like to do (10) you can add your favorites to the list

This is aimed at camping but you can modify these ideas for fun at home

1. Get wet and go splashing. If you cannot find a good
swimming spot, normally most of the camping parks would suggest where
you could find a good and safe spot for you to swim, either a big lake
or a small brook. Some of them might have their own swimming pools.
Avoid the swimming pool at all costs and go swimming in a lake amidst
nature. The experience that you'll get is indescribable. Some camping
parks would offer a boat rental service, where you could rent a boat or
canoe for a small fee. Your kids will have a blast. A word of caution,
never leave your kids swimming by themselves. Be watchful at all times.

2.
Rent a bike and go biking together. Most camping sites have biking
trails for you and your family to explore. Be adventurous. Riding
bicycles is very enjoyable as you are able to enjoy the beautiful
scenery. Ride slow and make sure that everybody is not left behind.
Bring a map with you and plan your biking trip adventure before making
the trip so that you know exactly where you are heading and where you
want to be. Plan your time properly, so that you would be able to make
the whole trip and back to your camp before it gets dark.

3. Go  bird and animal watching. Most forest parks

Update the weekend computer usage

At first I thought, it was the same thing, more hours of games because when I walked by I could see what looked like a Roman Coliseum on the screen.  My first thought was  killing and maiming gladiators. Later while working outside with my wife I said, I think we should quit taking him places and doing everything he wants, maybe then he will get off the computer and help out some around the yard and house.  Linda said, "he's in there doing his homework" what? she continued, he and some classmates are building a coliseum online for a project.  Later I looked over his shoulder and asked what he was doing, he said he was having problems because all they had to build with were square cubes, and they didn't make good looking arches or anything rounded. Tonight on the way home from Boy Scouts he will probably ask for a snack or drink somewhere, like he always does. Tonight I will oblige.  John

Childrens games to play in the car or at home, make play a learning experience, make learning part of playing. For more games, see pages on right side bar.

Copy and print the map and state list above (the map will probably need to be saved as an image first) Play a match the name to the state game.

See more games on right side bar, look for "Pages" 

 

 

                   State list:

    Alabama  Alaska  Arizona  Arkansas  California  Colorado  Connecticut  Delaware  District of  Columbia  Florida  Georgia

    Hawaii  Idaho  Illinois  Indiana  Iowa  Kansas  Kentucky  Louisiana  Maine  Maryland  Massachusetts  Michigan  Minnesota

    Mississippi  Missouri  Montana  Nebraska  Nevada  New Hampshire  New Jersey  New Mexico  New York  North Carolina

    North Dakota  Ohio  Oklahoma  Oregon  Pennsylvania  Rhode Island  South Carolina  South Dakota  Tennessee  Texas

    Utah  Vermont  Virginia  Washington  West Virginia  Wisconsin  Wyoming



Copy and print the map and state list above (the map will probably need to be saved as an image first) Play a match the name to the state game.

See more games on right side bar, look for "Pages"